Today's Friday Five: I'll at least address it.

Here's a question you may interpret however you wish: name five most unpleasant awakenings you've experienced!

When I first read the question on Adam's blog and saw that his interpretation had to do with actual wakings-up, I kind of took exception. If the question were only about actual wakings-up, then I would have no answers to it at all, because by and large I consider waking up to be a good thing, especially when you consider the alternative. Even if I have been upset or ill the night before, I usually feel at least a little better in the morning, or at least able to slog on or take another crack at it. Even if the rest of my day is really crappy, there are usually a few moments when I wake up and there's still a chance for the day to go well. So, the only bad wakings-up I've had have been because they were too early or I hadn't gotten enough sleep. 9/11 was pretty bad--I heard the news on my clock radio first thing--but it was for everyone.

But that's not the only possible interpretation of the question. The other way of looking at it, is of course, in the sense of realizations or "rude awakenings." Hmmm. In general, it’s hard for me to designate any awakenings as negative because firmly believe that knowledge is power and when you realize something you are in someway empowered or freed or able to make better decisions. Although I think such awakenings can be pretty unpleasant when they happen, I think in the long run they can be very helpful. Sometimes they're not even that bad in the moment. I remember waking up one morning and realizing I didn't really believe in a god--it was just a relief to be clear about it (that was in high school. before you become upset, let me just say that my current spritual beliefs are very complicated). Similarly, coming out to myself was just a relief; I felt much lighter afterwards. Sometimes it's a struggle to integrate these insights, and sometimes they force you to re-think your belief system, which is really a hassle, but eventually I think you achieve a balance (or go crazy, either one). I guess a fair way for me to handle this would be to talk about some of the awakenings I'm currently struggling with/haven't integrated:

1. Mortality of yourself and everyone you know. You have a life, and then your car crashes, and you're dead. Boom! The end! Fini! There is no more you! WTF??? Supposedly this is something we all already knew, but I think at some point it hits you and you have to deal with it. For me it has become relevant recently because my co-worker's 20-year-old daughter (whom I had met 2 days before) died in a car crash a few weeks ago. How can you be 20 and dead? How can someone I just met not be a person anymore? Oh shit: that could happen to me! It's true, but it doesn't make any sense.

2. Your parents are just people. They're fallible, they're human, they're mortal, and sometimes they act like children. If they can't always take care of themselves, how can they take care of you? (though somehow they did) Which leads to...

3. No one is really an adult. There's no moment when you cross the threshold and then you are suddenly endowed with all the confidence and background information you need and you are able to act completely rationally. You will always be faking it and making a best guess. I would have believed that I just haven't crossed the threshold yet, but H. says you never do, and I have started to notice other "adults" doing just what I would do, when I hoped they would have had a better answer. To reassure all you young'uns out there, I will say that while there (apparently--ask me again in 10 years) is no clear line of demarcation, there is adulthood by degrees. There are developmental issues you struggle with and then resolve (sort of like Erikson's idea), and the longer you are around, the more you figure out what to do (i.e. the fewer novel situations you will be faced with, so you can have done most things at least once and know what you would do differently a second time) and the less things freak you out; part of that graduated attainment of adulthood is learning to roll with things. If you can meet with triumph and disaster And treat those two imposters just the same;

4. You're implemented in meat. Ok, first, disclaimers: you don't have to believe this, but I do, and it's the result of a long, painstaking process to get a cohesive belief system for myself. I haven't done so yet, but I think it improves by degrees and I'm almost constantly refining it. So this is also not my final answer, but this is where I am right now and I have to work through it for myself. Ok, second, what does that mean? Um…well everything you think is you is dependent on, effectively, meat. Cells, organ systems, all of that. If anything goes wrong with those things, something goes wrong with you. You may think you have a serious existential crisis, but really you only have a vitamin deficiency—or in other words, what’s the difference? This is counter to everything we like to believe about ourselves. I would like to do a blog post sometime about how I think humans are like/dislike animals, robots and angels(which I don’t believe in); sometimes we try to reduce our understanding to only how we are like one of these (i.e. emotional/deterministic??, rational/deterministic, spiritual, respectively) but we are sort of like (but not identical to) any of them, but somehow even our spiritual selves are subject to the vicissitudes of meat. Anyway, there is a longer discussion that I’m not going to go into here, but to sum: isn’t it bizarre and unnerving sometimes what difference a few days, or a meal, or a good night’s sleep can have on your entire outlook? Or how even the greatest thinkers, statesmen, philanthropists etc. can be brought down by simple viruses and bacteria?

5. Come to think of it, I guess I have recently had many smaller unpleasant awakenings that don’t necessarily lead to greater understanding, though in their defense I have to say that I still think it’s better to know so I can do things differently next time. Here’s a sample:
a) I’m outside my apartment and I realize my keys are not with me b) I realized that while in college I should have given a little more thought to post-graduation employment prospects; there were things I could have done (and considered doing!) that would have made this time easier. c) Not a realization, but a sinking feeling that those in power whom I disagree with politically are not always acting in what they sincerely think is the country’s (or state’s or whatever’s) best interest, but are cynically marketing their actions that way. If they really thought what they were doing was the right thing, that would be one thing. d) Shoot! Income tax is kind of a let-down. I believe in highways and schools and things, but damn, what happened to my paycheck? Likewise surcharges on my phone bill…. And so on and so forth.

Ok, I hope that wasn’t too much of a downer. I didn’t intend for it to be. If you were brought down by it or concerned about me, I encourage you to go back and read the part about how I think waking up is a good thing.

Woo-hoo, 5pm on Friday! Finally!
- posted by k @ 2:12 PM